4/19/2023 0 Comments Skater poserWhether or not he’s old enough is of no concern, because you can pretty much guarantee two things: he has his last name tattooed on him somewhere and there’s a good chance the font is tribal. One other thing we can also be sure about is that this dude is fully tatted up. He’s kind of a drug dude he’ll lecture you about his preference for blunts rather than papers, has tried coke at least a couple times, and most definitely loves percs. You know, the days when he was sponsored by both Zero and Anti-Hero Skateboards while also pursuing a professional snowboarding career in his spare time. The “Not-At-All Convincing Story Telling” Poser – This one was briefly touched on but allow me to re-iterate: when he’s not bumming an entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting, receiving hand jobs behind the pre-fab ramps at your town’s token joke of a skatepark (with one good ledge), and even occasionally trying to skate despite the baffling size of his denim shorts, the ‘Not At All Convincing Story Telling Poser’ is usually spreading the fabled word of his glory days. Please ignore me for the rest of your life. We get it, you did an ollie once and you’d show us that you’re not lying but you don’t wanna fuck up your boat shoes. As a jock, it’s a good way to establish dominance to a bunch of dudes you used to beat up in high school, but since high school has been long gone and no one in your business major skates, you’ve been without this power position for a while. Past a certain age you’re pretty much down for life and even if you do stop skating most people know better than to engage people with a sob story about how they used to do tricks that they couldn’t really do.Īs a cop, it’s a delusional way of connecting with people who would rather grab their shit and run away from you than have a two minute conversation about why you can’t skate this ledge. Simply put, it’s safe to assume that people who had to ‘quit’ skating were never really skateboarders to begin with. I mean think about it: anyone that starts with “I used to do this type of thing” means that they probably never did that thing very much or very seriously in the first place. Ignoring the fact that you are actually closer in age than he thinks, this is a classic poser move. “Guys, I get it, you know I used to do this type of thing when I was your age.” If it’s a person of authority, like a cop or private security, there’s usually a preamble to justify why they are ruining your good time: Security guards, cops, random jocks, etc. The “I Used To Skate” Poser – I am sure you’ve encountered at least five of these people in your life. Some of which have already been mentioned, but upholding the journalistic rule of three let’s go over a couple more: Supposing none of this sounds familiar to you it might be helpful to quickly re-cap the world’s most widely recognized poser stereotypes. Even the guy who would show up at the park and do that weird illusion/pressure flip/ghetto bird thing on the bank ramp but never land it – even he has switched up his kit for impossibles and no-complies all over the place, still unable to land anything, but you get the point. Weeding people out has become nearly impossible. With so many skateboarders on the planet and so much access to our culture, we were unable to stop them from sneaking in. So what does this mean? To be blunt, we as skateboarders, once a strong and unified subculture, have failed. In trying to understand what happened to the Poser, we here at Smltalk have made a profound realization: The Poser never disappeared… he has successfully infiltrated our culture. Where has he gone? Did he finally get a full time position at the gas station? Did he get that poor 17 year old girl pregnant (graduated immediately from hand stuff at the skatepark to unprotected sex, so sad)? Or was he finally exposed for all his tall tale telling? Skateboarding is more popular than ever, his audience is the biggest it’s ever been…so where the hell did he end up? Falsities and rumors such as “bigspin benihana’s” and “varial flip sexchanges down stairsets” are spread across the skatepark, while countless cigarettes are bummed from innocent bystanders whilst the perpetrator remains surrounded by a small cult of 17 year old girls clad in hot pink tube tops, puffy DC’s, and an overabundance of eye shadow. However the moment their mouths began to move, you knew exactly who they were and how little experience they actually had skateboarding. Posers were people just like you and me, many of them owned skateboards like you and me, and they even, occasionally, rode these skateboards, just like you and me. Once upon a time, there lived a special species of skateboarder, known simply as “The Poser”.
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